How to Deal with Ghosts Who Live Inside Your House

So you’ve come face to face with a spectre, a gnostic jinn, a phantom or, as they are more colloquially known, a ghost. Now, you may find yourself experiencing intense terror, sadness or horror. These are not strange emotions to feel when confronted with the wandering spirits of the dead. In fact, it only proves that you are still sane.

Dr. Phineus Fitzgibbon has specialized in the art of creating harmony between the living and the dead since 1964 and has constructed a helpful guide for any person or persons experiencing the paranormal.

Chapter one: ‘Getting to know your Ghost’

Ghosts were once people. Getting to know them is a great way to figure out your next course of action. If you find yourself faced with hostility from your spectre then you may be dealing with a spirit who left it’s mortal coil in a violent or unpleasant way. If this is your case, please go straight to Chapter Three. If your spirit has more of a gentle touch, then you’ll find all the answers in the next chapter.

Chapter Two: ‘Methods to rid yourself of your Ghost’

  1. Denial: 

Like the rest of life, simply ignoring the problem is a great way to rid yourself of it. Do not engage with your spirit and eventually it will become bored and  leave you.

  1. Ask him/her politely to leave:

If you find denial impossible or your spirit is the stubborn type, then simply asking politely to be left alone is the easiest next step. You may find that the best method is simple communication.

  1. Exorcism:

The Catholic church has gotten two things right. Those grand pope outfits and exorcisms. Exorcism is like getting out of a toxic relationship or going to the dentist. It’s not pleasant but you feel better afterwards.

Chapter Three: ‘Extreme Measures’

Burn it all down.

Chapter Four: ‘Congratulations for ridding yourself of your Ghost’

Pop the champagne and bring out the caviar, you have successfully rid yourself of your haunting.

Chapter Five: ‘So you want your Ghost back?’

The human mind and heart are at constant odds. Sometimes your heart doesn’t tell you what you want until you don’t have it anymore. Yearning, is humanity’s greatest trait. It signifies that we indeed have a soul. But sometimes what we lose cannot return and sometimes we need to come to terms with the fact that we have driven away the only thing that wanted to be around us. 

Note to self: Remeber to put this paragraph at the beginning. God, I miss my ghost.